Dorinda, I agree with MacKenzie here. You have some wonderful imagery working through your piece. I see several instances of repetitious words, showing you have put into practice the "Question and Answer" section of our reading. While reading, I found myself becoming lost and swirling in someone's life. I get excited the way the piece makes me feel as if I'm stumbling over my own feet, as my tongue tries to moves faster and faster through the words.
I also want to reiterate Mackenzie's advice on keeping a close watch on the use of the "to be" verbs. I once had a professor who told me that "to be" verbs are elementary and essentially "down play" language. I find myself constantly looking at a Thesaurus for help with "to be" verbs, and once I replace them in my writing with much stronger verbs, my work becomes so much stronger.
You did a wonderful job with this free-write, and I would like to see what happens once you delve into the 'expansion-contraction process'.
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