Week 4, Peer Response 1: Candis's Free Write, Week 4

Candis, you have an interesting draft at work. I really like the way this draft is working with short lines, and short sentences. Those short lines and sentences help to convey a distinct message. As I read through this piece, my memories are jarred of a past I have almost forgotten, the short lines/sentences highlight snip its of those memories-very short but sensual. Which leads me to my next point, I also think that the way you are working/playing around with the senses works well also. The mixture of short sentences/lines and the inclusion of the senses give life to this draft without having to over use words, and it also helps to eliminate "prosy" language. I do want to suggest, however, that you try and incorporate more visuals, more concrete imagery. Show what that "faint smell of bliss" is, how it reminds you of summer; show how the 'sunflowers are illuminated at noon', what exactly do the sunflowers look like when they are illuminated? Remember: "Show don't tell" :) I think you have a wonderful working first draft, that only needs a little more specificity in terms on imagery- Nice job!