Revision of "Curry"
Crowded musk, sweat rolled in summer
dust, damp earth and the harsh seeds
of the Silk Road--cardamom, coriander,
star of anise. This is your smell, home
again from school, a room shared
with an Indian girl whose cooking oil
I can almost taste, whose sari flows
deep-desert red and cloying, the wild
Night Queen blossoming between each porous
thread of your evasions, the pungency of onion
on your breath, on my neck. I picture her now,
across the tracks of 113, preparing curried
lamb in a wooden mehmas just for you.
Rich and yellow mouths of the frangipani
open as you appear in the kitchen door, spices
greeting you, soft nap fleece sliding between
her stained fingers. Even Tupperware carries
the smell of her intent. At the edge of your lips,
turmeric's unforgivable gloss, twenty-one
and covetous. She, an undiscovered
country, a stop over on a trade route, the curse
of a subcontinent. You, the colonizer. And me?
Cartographer of your expedition.
Sydney, I really love this revision! I can honestly say that I felt so dumb when I read your first draft for workshop because I did not understand it. I knew, by the title, that it had to be about the seasoning, but it was confusing for me. I understand everything in this draft and feel as though I can relate because I know how smells linger on people. I can only imagine how awful it must be to have your boyfriend smell like another woman, or her food, and then come and hug you. I love the new addition of “This is your smell, home / again from school, a room shared / with an Indian girl…” This added language helps to make everything so much clearer. The only suggestion that I have is to keep working on your balance that Dr. Davidson talked about last week; although, this draft seems to do it well. You are a very talented writer and I look forward to seeing more drafts.
ReplyDeletewhat a transformation!
ReplyDeleteThis revision really does read much better, Sydney, and as Emmanuel says, makes more sense. I think your changes have made the sensory aspects even more delectable, and the speaker's jealous innuendo adds an emotional complement. I see an opportunity to implement a few end rhymes, if you are interested in doing that:
ReplyDeleteCrowded musk,
sweat rolled in summer dust,
damp earth and the harsh seeds
of the Silk Road--cardamom,
coriander, star of anise.
I see additional possibilities in "school" and "girl," "red," "thread," and "breath," "now" and "mouths." One benefit of this would be to employ harder consonant sounds at the end of the lines, but it reads nicely just as it is. Very nice, indeed!