Peer Response (X2), Week Two

• Peer Response One: Kamau's Improv'1, Week2

Kamau,

First of all, your piece is trying the use language and imagery to capture a still-frame of an abstract period in time...and doing a fine job. In this draft, you have cultivated some very powerful, moving, beautiful lines out of seemingly commonplace and lucid landscapes, as well as the inhabitants of the area. The introductory line speaks of the familiar, but you have taken those everyday familiarities, fleshed them out, and added in a nuanced concept. "He's the only one thats seen this place grow / Brooklyn." The fresh line breathes
poetry; and a lot of the draft follows in sync.

I would suggest, however, that you continue to push yourself with language: dirty your hands with soiled details, throwing in more specificity, more detail, more peculiarities and particularities of the area, of the people, of the nooks-and-crannies. The 'Expansion/Contraction' calisthenics exercise works wonders, and for this piece I think you have copious amounts of foundation left to be excavated and explored. I find myself wanting to know more about the narrator, the lifestyle he/she leads, mannerisms, style, etc...

Overall, I think this improv' is wonderful, and still has so much room to grow. I hope you keep fleshing it out- I'd love to see a longer draft.

•  Peer Response Two: Emmanuel's Improv'1, Week1 

Emmanuel,

First and foremost, I want to applaud you on doing an improvisation of one of Whitman's piece. I am a big fan! :)

Nonetheless, your improvisation methodically follows the original pattern of Whitman's poem, but also diverts enough to stand as a separate work altogether. I think, as far as creativity goes, you have done an excellent job of constructing and addressing a controversial trope from a different lens. Like Dr. Davidson constantly reminds: 'Take chances.' Here, you seem to be doing just that.

As an observation: the first half of the draft seems strong, unabashedly questioning the methods of cultural convention; yet the latter half of fails the standard set in the beginning, and therefore the expectations--that the first works so hard for--are more lackluster. It's almost as if you got tired, or ran out of new things to say... which is perfectly normal and understandable, I have the same problem all the time- the price we pay for being creative writers. However, if you return to this piece, continue to press and prod for new language, new nuances, and expand. Remember: you can always contract. Overall, I really enjoy the draft, and I would be thrilled to see it grow and come in to further fruition. Great job, Emmanuel!