Mi bambina,
I cannot fully express how proud I am of you and all the
hard work and dedication. The improvement from the last workshop piece,
Stateside, I read finals week and now…impressive. Extremely.
Foundationally, the language continues to peak. You have
some really great imagery and language, here. I particularly love the phrases
“pouring more Prosecco and starting conversations,” “a knuckle kiss,” and “a
store that sells Barbie dolls to Tebro and home”—all of which I’m totally
jealous.
A few revision suggestions, though (if you think of
revisiting this draft in the future): (1) pick a particular site for the draft—one
that makes sure to root the draft in a specific location or moment; (2) flesh
out a subject (remember Hugo? Where is the trigger and in what way(s) will the
triggering subject or “town” help propel the draft/provide it with more
interesting tensions or binaries otherwise lost to familiarity?); and (3)
characters: as of right now they are almost anonymous or flat, which is totally
fine and normal for a first entry—however, for a revision, you would want to
give definition to your characters (not necessarily all of them, per se,
though), get your hands dirty and chisel them out.
On the whole, I think you’re doing wonderfully, of course.
Keep it up, kid. You’re a rock-star!
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