(3) Response to Emily's Reportage (Week One)

Emily,

Great work with producing heaps of material. I think you've done a nice job, here, detailing a very image/scene specific experience--especially a moment minuscule as this one. As a primer, it's a great entry (so far as getting material down on the page goes). Now, though, (if you were to do anything with this information in the future) there are a few interesting routes you might consider for a revision: (1) definitely attempt to cut out (as much as possible) any heavily Latin-based words (i.e., syllable-heavy, flowery words; e.g., particularly, disembark, suspend, predicament, you see?)--this will give your draft more punch and power (believe it or not); (2) cut out nearly all of the telling language--let your image-words carry the draft (ask yourself: could I film this?); (3) the draft has a site but what are the other elements helping support the structure, as it were? That is, try injecting some real tension, an element less predictable and more risky. As of right now, the draft does not really seem to proffer any this—always consider: what, exactly, is at stake in my draft? If the answer is nothing, then you probably need to brainstorm a little more. Keep up the hard work; it a slow process but so worth the mayhem. :)