Shaunna,
I’m extremely impressed with your writing. I also admire
your hard work and receptiveness—that will make all the difference. With
regards to surface-level basics, you’re leaping bounds, kid. I can easily tell
in this draft how you’re making a conscious effort to marry strange language
with rich images. That intro, man: “Down a hole too small for six foot men, / I
become a blue cell” and other pairings, like: “an unspoken cin cin,” “[m]y mind, controls my bends and stumbles.”
Though I applaud your jarring images, I would suggest—for
future revisions and other drafts—practicing tonal balance. This draft is a
little too elevated, almost a tooth off the high-tonal register scale (but this
is such a simple fix). Also, this draft needs a little more site. That is,
there isn’t much that grounds me in a site-specific location. I know
(especially since I was there with you) from the last line I’m in Bologna, and
I gather from the first couple lines (along with the working title) I’m in some sort of bar or dance club—but I
think the draft could stand a little more architectural support (e.g., the
street name, name of the bar, building close by, highly specific
descriptions/observations of a painting on the wall, the layout of the bar,
etc.).
What’s more, the draft needs some kind of tension to help stabilize
these punchy images. Give me a very direct interaction—maybe it was a brief
conversation with an Italian or with one of our crew. Oh, and, I’m not sure all
these overt, visceral references (e.g., “puss pocket,” “ventricle,” “central
artery,” “stone arched arteries,” “blood vessels,” etc.) are necessary—let your
images take the lead and do the work for you.
Great work. Keep it up (and never hesitate to ask for help).
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