(Week Four) Critical Commentary: Daniel Jackson's Improv 2, Week 4

Daniel's Improv': 

Live life verseless

now, its more verses

that surface under duress

when not spitting

soliloquies fluently.

I could cry right now,

rip the paint off walls

with the skin of teeth.

Eyes be burning through

stress.Why dumbledore

die tho? Is love a bee

sting in the lungs.

Swollen capillaries.

My Critical Commentary:

Daniel,

My Critical Commentary:

Daniel,

I just want to applaud you on keeping the improvisation in iambic trimeter. That's a feat in and of itself.

Before I get into the commentary/growing opportunities, I NEED to say this: SPEAK more in class. Please, Daniel? I'm not shouting at you...okay, maybe I am, just a bit. I know very little of you, but there is no denying brilliance. I imagine you are a great resource and can add so much to our class discussions. Do not deny me of your brain. Okay?

As for the improv': I really enjoy the syntax/assonance. When I say this out loud, there is a pleasant beat-box-y cadence to the meter. Totally awesome. The short, choppy lines help a great deal, giving the meter some shape to its hip-hop. Likewise, the language is beautiful. (I’m probably going to steal “Is love a bee / sting in the lungs” at some point in my writing career. It’s too gorgeous.) You are also doing very well with line breaks in this improv’.

So where is my critique, you might ask? (And if you aren’t asking, I’m going to tell you anyway.)

As of right now, the improvisation lacks cohesion. I know you are already aware of this, but here is my point: you have too much potential in this draft to discard. I think you would be doing yourself (and selfish-me) a disservice if you didn’t attempt an expansion. Again, I know very little of you and your work, but I am eager to know more. I think you have such great potential—especially with all this rhythm of yours. That’s totally a Daniel trademark, right?

You've probably already been introduced to Erica Dawson’s work, but I am recommending her nonetheless. In her collection Big-Eyed Afraid, she is a master at controlling meter in every line. You have that same edge. Explore it.

As always, if you have any questions/concerns/interests/cool thoughts you want to share, hit me up. I’m here to help and be helped.

Cool, cool,

Syd