of Louise Bogan's "Tears in Sleep"
Riffing off of the lines, "All night the cocks crew, under a moon like day, / And I, in the cage of sleep, on a stranger's breast, / Shed tears, like a task not to be put away--"
In the middle of the night you came to me
like a child comes out of a nightmare, aware
of strange whispers rustling the leaves, a stern
eye from a cornered moon. One side of you
carries an old photo of us riding rusted bikes
at the beach, with an ocean indifferent to young
love. It's seen others like us, swallowed
their etched names in the sand. On the other, your
mouth recites, over and over, the sorrows
of a promise. In the middle of the night
you came to me, your voice frayed like a wire.
This improv is really strong to me. The only suggestion is that you elaborate on some of the images that you’re giving the reader. I want to know where you are when this man comes to you in the middle of the night. If you were to give me a more concrete image of the room you’re in while this is happening I feel as though you could pull me farther into the narrative right away.
ReplyDeleteI like how you tell us that he’s carrying an old photo in one hand; without actually saying it. The line “one side of you” is great. The fact that you show us, instead of telling is wonderful.
The line “an ocean indifferent to young love”, although not a terrible line, isn’t as strong as the rest of the lines, only because the other images are so “new” to readers. Show us that the ocean is indifferent to your love, instead of telling us. I think that’s why it isn’t as strong to me. Everywhere else in the poem you show us what’s happening, and I love that.
I like how the poem comes full circle. By repeating the line, “in the middle of the night you came to me”, it’s bringing me back to that original image; reminding me of everything else that happens within the poem. But, I feel as though this could be a bit longer. That maybe there are other details you could give us. I want more of the relationship, I want to know how you got to this point. Maybe not the whole story, but give me a peak into the disintegration of this “young love”.