(Week Two) Critical Commentary (1)

Diamond’s improvisation draft:

Heat, Denis Johnson

"August, / you're just an erotic hallucination"

At dinner, we gut Spanish over green beans.

This is campamento español and we spend

10 minutes trying to translate the texture

of pizza cheese (frío? elástico?)

First night our counselor calls us

"gringos" and her laugh chases me

down the soccer field and in salsa

and merengue, while molding churros

in the deep fryer.

     July, you are an exultation of sun.

You are the fervor of porch tea

and homegrown tradition. You are firework.

You are liberty. I have known you since childhood,

pricking my finger on your blackberry brush.

You are blue as fruit, red rubber boots,

you are white, white, white

like the hydrogen awakening of a star's core,

like gringos.

     July, I was born in you

and still I thought if I kicked enough

soccer balls or if I split enough

Spanish verbs, I could be born

someone else for a weekend.

My Critical Commentary:

Diamond,

There is much to admire here—especially for an improvisation. Damn.

I would love to steal “I have known you since childhood, / pricking my finger on your blackberry bush.” I also like how you incorporate the various traditional semiotics of July—but posit them in personally unique ways (i.e., ways that are solely personal experiences/memories/interactions of the writers). This, as a result, avoids redundancies, as well as clichés and sentimentalities. Well done there.

From mere observation, I did not notice an adoption of the rhyme scheme pattern used in Denise Johnson’s poem—which is, of course, fine. Even if unintentional, however, I did find some very (stretched/loose) slant rhymes. If you were to work more closely with this improv’ draft, I would see what happens when you put pressure on the revision as a stanza, using a rhyme scheme. I think this improvisational draft is, in a way, presenting itself as a kind of love poem., isn’t it?

You’re a rock star. Keep on keepin’ on.

--Sydney