Christine,
this piece is very interesting. I really like the way that you have taken the poem above, and made an improv' completely different. Although the draft is short, I think you do a great job with mastering exactly what needs to be said, while still maintaining the ability to incorporate highly charged, concrete-specific imagery. I especially like the fist line "We sit on the clumpy carpet, two cows". The s and c consonant sounds work magically here. I didn't notice it at first, but when I went back through the draft and read it more slowly, I found that as my tongue moves to each word in that sentence, it dances. I also really enjoy the line, "I can mouth them with you / like I mouth your lips on breezy nights..." because of the way I actually have to open my mouth wide as I say that sentence- also very wonderful! What's more, I also enjoy the way you move from a length sentence, to a chopped, short sentence. This not only helps the reader to get a feel of the way in which to read the draft, but also it elevates the way in which the words dominate,the way they are individually and specifically pronounced. I think you did a fantastic job with this improv' piece! Kudos! :)
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