Candis,
I also like how you move from physical actions to states of being at the start of your draft. However, I do agree with Kris about perhaps trying to flesh-out "Hoping. Waiting.Dreaming." in a more imagistic way. I feel that if you were to replace those verbs with some more harsh, struggle related verbs, not only would the verbs improve the piece, but they would also correlate well with the first line of your piece. What's more, I find the idea of there being a "focal point" that the narrator seems to be gravitating towards, but at the end there seems to be a pull away from the focal point, as if it is unattainable. I like the way that is working within the piece, and I feel that if you were to play around more with that idea (perhaps try an expansion/contraction warm-up)then you're piece would begin to fill up with more specific, concrete imagery, and more abrput/stalky lines; because, I think that those choppy, jammed lines work very well at the beginning of the piece, and the way that the lines/sentences seem to expand out as the narrator's focus also seems to be expand out further away from something is a nice touch. Well done!
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