Atarah,
First of all, I like the fact that you took one of Dan Albergotti's pieces and completely made a working draft of your own. I believe by doing that you not only show that you have read another author's work and studied the piece, but also that you have taken time to draw from specific elements of the poem you are particularly interesting in, then switching gears and making those elements new and original, from you. I think you have some strong lines and ideas at play in this draft. You flirt with a fresh spin from Albergotti's piece, creating a new title and seemingly using it to your advantage by way of adding in some highly distinguished concrete imagery. However, I do feel there are patches in the draft- hence why it is called a draft. With that said, I think you could easily tighten up the bust of the draft but looking more at line enjambments (and how they can truly make a poem), and also at getting ride of any "fluff" that doesn't serve any purpose or is simply too stuffy. Overall I would say you have drafted an interesting first draft.
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