Erkison,
I agree with Mackenzie one-hundred percent. This free write is a great revision of a former draft. In regards to the specificity of this piece, I also feel linked with Mackenzie's comment. You have taken precautionary measure to ensure that, in this reworking, you incorporate more concrete-specific images, prodviding your reader with more forms of 'show' as opposed to ideas and 'telling' language. As for the possible questions Mackenzie posed above, try and really utilize those questions, and also try and prompt a few questions of your own... you will find the more you push, the more you will end up with. If you ever get the chance (and if you are considering creative writing as an area you would like to work with more in your future) try reading Richard Hugo's Triggering Town. It's a fantastic text that works in all areas of learning how to write and create poetry in very specific, original, fresh, and creative ways; you would find it most helpful, indeed.
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