Elizabeth,
First of all, great reworking! I like how you have concentrated on short and forceful diction, allowing the syllable's to take control; letting their stresses and rhythmic meter's be the initiators, the instigators-what have you-for each punch and jab along the way. I also feel that with these choppy and small words the poem posseses more tension, more frustrated, which in turn very effectively reflects the narrator's relationship to the piece and what is taking place. What's more, it appears that within this piece you also took the time to be careful, but risky-careful... if that makes sense? The only thing I am concerned with is that there are some parts here and there were I find myself getting lost(or realize I was already lost). I think by adding in more background information, or maybe just a little more clarity in certain grey areas would do the trick- a quick fix, of course! :) good work ma'am!
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