Candis,
Since I commented on your first draft free write, I thought I would like to do so for this piece as well. Especially considering the fact that you have made great progress! First of all, I can tell right off that with this reworking you have steered your focus towards adding in more specificity, and I also notice you have been playing around with contraction and expansion exercises in some areas. With that said, I also feel as if you are still clinging a little too much to the seeds/roots embedded within the inital draft. There are still several lines either unchanged or only slightly tweaked. Of course, it isn't always necessary or essential to make drastic changes during a revision; however, I think in this case it could only prove to be more beneficial than harmful. I would really like to see you working with language play, putting concrete-specific words together with others that seem odd, or uncharacteristic; atypical. Because at this point, the majority of this draft still retains a sense of expectedness with lingering cliches. In regards to further revision of this draft, really work on creating new and zesty language; also work on weedeating those pesky abstract descriptors-- actually forget weedeating them, just completely uproot them! :) Nonetheless, I think you have been working diligently, and that does not go unnoticed!! Great job!
No comments:
Post a Comment