- As Emmanuel previously commented, hats off to you for writing "Turkey in the Rain"... and doing so fashionably. One component of the draft I enjoy is the way the sounds, the rhetoric, generates and carries the movement of each line. What's more, I think you have done a fascinating job with allowing language and sound show the image- without overdoing, or being too telling. Also, the odd pairing of diction adds charisma, an alluring element, to the draft; so the piece is no longer just about "a turkey in the rain." On a different note, the last stanza and the final frame seems a little off beat from the rest of the draft- not solely because the repeated is different. The final stanza almost seems a little too overdone, more so the ending line of the stanza... something about "Heaven's broth" (as I think Emmanuel also commented on) that doesn't seem fitting. Nonetheless, I think you did an awesome job- taking on the task well.
Peer Response 2: Jenna's Improv', Week 3
- First of all, Jenna, I just want to commend you on the expansive nature of the draft. Give, it is "prosey" in some areas, but that is such and easy fix!! You have so much awesome working for you in this draft. I'm actually really excited- if you couldn't already tell. Okay, so: Like the first calisthenic exercise Dr. Davidson had us work through (expansion and contraction)... do that here! All you need to do is go through the draft and cut out unnecessary words; just clean house. You also already a leg up considering the fact that you have taken the time to pull out and separate lines that you truly love, and know you want to work with in a future draft. There are some lines that you do not have on your list already that NEEEEED to be there (in my opinion, like: "now I can’t make a joke at your expense," "I don’t want anyone to be sorry for my loss—and I want to tell them the word is dead," "I am told they are so sorry for my loss—always so sorry"... these are just a few. Of course, you may need to go back through these lines as well and make them more neat, again cleaning house. The overall idea of the draft is fascinating. Your language is beautiful... so let it do the work. I would show this to Dr. Davidson, he will be able help you tidy-up the draft a good bit. I hope to see a future draft!
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