Response 1, Week 3 to Erikson's Free Entry Week 1

Erikson, I think that have the ability to completely transform this draft into a piece full of energy, full of emotion, and power. As I re-read through you work, I notice that all of your lines are working in your favor. By this, I mean that you have EXTRA-ordinary lines, that are just kind of ordinary right now, but only because of the abstract imagery. All you would have to do is go back through your draft, and eliminate words that show abstractions and then replace them with fully charged, concrete words. For example, I really like "I've been wrapped up in anger and emptiness..." Think of how easily you can cut anger and emptiness, and replace them with much stronger, power-punched words! Remember: "Show don't tell!" :) I would really love to see a revision of this draft because I know it will be great!