Response 2, Week 3 to: Pauline's Week 3, Free Entry 1

Pauline, I really enjoy reading this draft, so much that I have read it three times through now. I think my tongue enjoys the way you are playing with words so well in this piece. You do a very nice job with manipulating the language in a way that benefits you. The piece works nicely with heightening and demanding the use of the senses in places like: "Shoppers stare in senile stupor" or "sensually sucking on succulent navels", I am so jealous of both of these lines. I also like the way that you have taken a very common act (retirement), and transform it into something new, something fun, something very intimate- not reclusive. You also did well minding your P's and Q's, as well as using concrete imagery-Well done!! :)